Managing Disappointment and Nurturing Resilience
For kids, there are a few milestone birthdays: turning 10 (double digits!), turning 13 (officially a teen!), turning 16 (hand over the keys!). One of the biggest though, has to be turning 5. You are a whole hand old and most likely getting ready to go to CB! This is also an important birthday for parents. Their baby isn’t a baby or toddler any more. They are preparing to send their child off to school. It’s a big deal! So what happens when your child is slated to turn 5 during this time of no school and staying home?
My niece Emma turned 5 mid-April. About a month before her birthday, I received a text from my best friend Sarah (her mom) asking how to explain to Emma about cancelling her party. Emma had been looking forward to her 5th birthday since her 4th birthday. She talked about it non-stop. Naturally, Sarah was very concerned about disappointing Emma and wanted to know how to help her. I had some ideas, but also wanted to see if anyone else had put something together in this type of situation. A quick Google search showed me that there wasn’t much out there on this topic. I was shocked! There are so many families out there going through this exact scenario. Many of whom don’t have a child development professor that they can just text for support. So here I am sharing what I said to Sarah to help other families with the birthday blues.
1. Tell the truth
We all want to ensure our kids feel safe. One of the best ways to do this is to be honest with them. Children will not feel safe with an adult they cannot trust. We need to be straightforward and honest when breaking the news to our kids. If you’ve already explained to your child why we need to stay home and why they can’t see their friends, be sure to use that same language when telling them their event is cancelled. It’s easy to put the blame on someone else (“the governor said” or “the mayor said”) but try not to do that. This villainizes the reason the event was cancelled and turns it into a negative. Frame your discussion around keeping everyone safe. After all, that IS the reason we are being asked to stay in and social distance.
2. Let them feel the feelings
There may be some strong feelings that come out after you tell your child their event was cancelled. This is what you’ve been anticipating – the meltdown. As hard as it is going to be, you have to let them feel out those feelings. You’re going to want to launch into the solution or distract them to make them “feel better.” These actions come from a place of love but will not be helpful in the moment. There are a few reasons for this. First, your child will not be able to hear or understand what you’re going to say next when they are having these big feelings. Their brain has been taken over and won’t be able to process anything else at that moment.
Second, if you distract them away from being upset, they won’t learn how to acknowledge, name, and work through the emotions they are experiencing. Instead, act like a compass and guide them as they navigate these emotions. Here are some ways we can do that:
Give them the vocabulary to describe their feelings going beyond just “sad” and “mad.” Introduce them to “frustrated” and “disappointed.” You can say things like “I know you were looking forward to this. You must be disappointed.” Or “It is frustrating when something you were looking forward to gets cancelled.”
Ask them what they are feeling. They may tell you an emotion or they may tell you how they are physically feeling. If they give you an emotion, acknowledge it and repeat it back to them. If they tell you how they are physically feeling, try to help them put an emotion to that feeling. For example, they may tell you they are feeling “hot.” This to me is an indicator of anger. You can say “Sometimes when we feel angry, our body feels hot.” For younger friends, you can ask them what color they feel like. All of these are good indicators as to what emotion your child is feeling.
Once you’ve acknowledged and named the feelings, you can help them work through them. For older kids/tweens, you may want to offer some sort of creative outlet. They can paint, craft, or write out what they are feeling. This will help them take those feelings out of their bodies and mold them into something tangible. For younger kids, breathing exercises can be very helpful. Deep belly breaths can calm our nervous system down and put those big emotions back in check. For more information about belly breaths and how to use a breathing star, check out this blog post from last year. Additionally, these feelings may seem too big for them to feel in their own body. I would encourage dancing it out or yoga or putting both hands on the wall and trying to push it over. These activities will give their proprioceptive system a way to feel grounded when they feel all over the place
3. Have a plan
Once your child is in a place where they can have a conversation with you, it’s time to make a plan! Brainstorm ahead of time some event alternatives you can do. I’ve seen birthday parades and Zoom birthday calls. Some people are getting really creative and having their favorite characters join the Zoom call! Let your child help you plan out what they’d like to do. I know it’s tempting to plan a big surprise to make up for the disappointment but allowing them to plan their event gives them a sense of security and groundedness in a time where those feelings are limited. Children need limits and boundaries. Avoid saying you are going to reschedule for “later.” This creates a feeling of unknowing and can lead to your child being in a perpetual state of waiting. Right now everything is uncertain for all of us. The one thing we can do as adults is to give kids certainty where we can. It helps them feel safe. So as much as it absolutely stinks to fully cancel the event, it will feel “safer” to them than the unknown. It’s best to just cancel and move forward with the quarantine alternative.
I gave all this advice to Sarah. She texted me back a bit later to let me know how it went. Apparently Emma’s response was “Alright.” No tears. No meltdown. I’ve seen multiple other parents post on social media that they’ve had to cancel something and their child had a similar response. It got me thinking, when parents are worried about disappointing their child, are they actually the ones who are disappointed? Are we projecting our fears and anxieties onto the situation? The answer is: most likely we are! And that is NOT a bad thing. Parents and caregivers never want to see the children they love sad or hurting. When we think that we are going to do something to disappoint our kids, we can hype ourselves up to expect the worst. Not to mention, their milestones are your milestones so we are also feeling some disappointment in cancelling the big event. We are so wrapped up in our own grieving that we forget that children are resilient little heroes.
Most importantly, when you need to give your child disappointing news, make sure you have gone through the above steps for yourself. Don’t blame others and stick to the truth. Let yourself experience the feelings of frustration and disappointment and work through them in a constructive way. Come up with both a plan to talk to your child as well as a quarantine game plan for the event. By going through these steps before we have a conversation with our children we will be able to be more supportive and secure. Children who feel supported and secure have a greater chance of positively navigating their emotions and coming out stronger and more resilient.
About Jessica Geilfuss
M.S. Educational Studies
Child Development Professor, Manager KidPowerment Yoga,
Founder of Let the Whole Child Shine
Jessica Geilfuss is an adjunct professor in the Division of Accelerated and Professional Studies at Fisher College in Boston. She primarily teaches child development to early childhood educators through various local grant programs. Her classes focus on bringing developmentally appropriate practice that focuses on the whole child into early childhood classrooms. She believes that every child deserves a childhood that is full of magic, wonder, and lots of play! Jessica has been in the early childhood field for about 14 years and has worn multiple hats: assistant teacher, teacher, program specialist, trainer, and assistant director. She holds a masters degree in Educational Studies from Wheelock College. Jessica is a member of the National Association for the Education of Young Children and Zero to Three and serves on the board of the Massachusetts Association for the Education of Young Children as a member-at-large.
In addition to her work with teaching and engaging with early childhood educators, Jessica is the manager here at KidPowerment Yoga. She handles the day to day operations of the business, social media, and planning and execution of teacher training and special projects. If you have interacted with KidPowerment in any way, there is a good chance that it was Jessica. She finds that her passion for and dedication to the development of the whole child pairs well with the mission of KidPowerment.
A few years ago Jessica started a blog as a way to show educators and parents that children could have a voice in our democracy. Since then, she has realized that teachers and parents need a place where they can find information on supporting the development of the whole child through enriching, play-based activities. There are plenty of places where caregivers can find worksheets and standards for young children but that isn't what the educators and parents she has talked with want. They are looking for advice on how to strengthen their child's social and emotional development, ways to encourage the development of risk assessment and executive function, and ways to engage their whole family in play. It seems as though more and more these critical pieces of a child's development are not being focused on in elementary school settings. That means it is up to us as educators, parents, and caregivers to equip our children with these critical life skills. There are 2000 days between birth and the start of Kindergarten - during this time it is our duty to let the whole child shine!